


yes / no

by bliphany, vindicatedtruth (behindtintedglass)



Category: Person of Interest (TV)
Genre: Gifset plus Fic, Happy Ending, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-07-26
Packaged: 2018-11-18 22:47:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11300433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bliphany/pseuds/bliphany, https://archiveofourown.org/users/behindtintedglass/pseuds/vindicatedtruth
Summary: They're both running out of reasons.  And at the same time, the reasons don't seem to be enough.When it's the heart that's weighing the pros and cons, what will win, in the end?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> An ongoing series inspired by [this beautiful poem](http://natalieweewrites.com/post/132031410781/reasons-to-not-kiss-him-1-you-werent-raised) by Natalie Wee. 
> 
> Gifs by **bliphany** ([AO3](http://archiveofourown.org/users/bliphany/pseuds/bliphany)) ([Tumblr](http://bliphany.tumblr.com))
> 
> Fic by **vindicatedtruth** ([AO3](http://archiveofourown.org/users/behindtintedglass/pseuds/vindicatedtruth)) ([Tumblr](http://vindicatedtruth.tumblr.com))
> 
> Also posted [here](http://bliphany.tumblr.com/post/162244711574/reasons-to-not-kiss-him-1-you-werent-raised-to) in Tumblr.

 

_**reasons to not kiss him:**_

_**1\. you weren't raised to love tender** _

* * *

 

  
  


 

* * *

 

 

You were trained to be a killer: ruthless, merciless, _heartless_.  You exchanged your soul for the safety of your country—or so you fooled yourself into believing.

It doesn’t stop the monsters from clawing your mind at night just before sleep claims you, making you half-wish you won’t ever have to open your eyes again.  But you do, and it’s the curse of waking up alive instead of dead, and you realise that these are the nightmares no one deserves to share.

You can’t love him because it means giving him your heart, and it’s the one thing you don’t have.  It’s the one thing you trained yourself into _not having_.

(You refuse to consider that it might be because he already has it.)

  

—

 

You trained yourself to be alone.  

You don’t know how to let anyone in, because anyone who tries always, inevitably, get _hurt._ And so you keep everyone at arm’s length, citing privacy as your reason, too cowardly to admit that it’s simply because you don’t understand the human heart.

You wonder, sometimes, if you are even human enough, when you understand machines and codes better than human interaction.  You try everyday, and yet you always seem to fail the ones you’ve cared for the most.  You may categorically be a genius, but you’ve utterly _failed_ as a human being.  So you’ve learned to be cold and aloof, because ice can burn just as searingly as fire, and sometimes burning them is the only way to protect them.

(You refuse to acknowledge that his intoxicating fire is beginning to thaw your frozen heart.)

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

_**2\. when he’s around all you do is tremble. when he’s around you want to get on your knees. look how much power he has over you. it’s dangerous.** _

* * *

 

 ****  
  
  


* * *

 

He is a cipher you can’t decrypt, despite being provided all the clues.  Despite all your experience as an international spy, with all the languages you’ve learned to speak, understanding him is as alien as the programming languages he uses to code.

He seems too good to be true.  It niggles at the back of your mind, the part that has learned from the multiple times you’ve been betrayed by the people you trusted, that any time now he’ll reveal himself to be the devil he can be, if he chooses to.  All that power beneath his fingertips, with hands that has built a digital superpower that can easily be used for mass destruction, and instead he chooses to use it to save people, to do _good_ —like the hero you’ve always dreamed you’ll be, except you never expected that you’ll instead be the one saved.

He intrigues you at every turn, like a puzzle box with a key you don’t know how to use, revealing bits and pieces of himself just enough to keep you on your feet, like a striptease of the mind, and God help you, you’re _obsessed_.

You want to kneel at his feet, beg him to let you in, because you can’t stand being outside his walls like this, knowing he’s so vulnerable inside, and you want so badly to tell him that he’ll never be alone again.

(You want so badly to be the one whom he finally comes home to.)

 

—

 

He is graceful power contained in stillness, like a dormant volcano, beautifully destructive.  He’s a force to be reckoned with, in all possible forms: quick-witted and sharp like a perfectly whetted knife, swifter than a gatling gun in bringing down adversaries through rapid-fire reflexes honed through combat training, his stealth like the unlocking of a grenade’s safety pin, ready to explode at any given moment.

And that, you muse ruefully, is the problem.  You don’t want to be the hand he has entrusted to unpin him and _use_ him, because if he explodes like the metaphorical suicide bomb he believes himself to be (to save the world, to save _you_ ), it is your heart that will dissolve into nothing but dust.

He is a sword of justice, and you want to be his sheath, the one to contain the bloodlust and the madness, to care for him the way he cares for his weapons with dedication and reverence.  It’s humbling, the way he contains his power just for you, and you want to kneel before him, tell him that it’s time to rest: to use _you,_ instead, as a sheath to guard his blade.

You want to place the world at his feet, not just because you _can_ and not just because he deserves it, but also because you know he’ll protect it.

(And in turn, you’ll protect _him._ )

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is also posted [here](http://bliphany.tumblr.com/post/162360125499/reasons-to-not-kiss-him-2-when-hes-around-all) on Tumblr.


	3. Chapter 3

**_3\. he’s too good at forgiving and you’re too good at violence._ **

* * *

 

        


* * *

 

How many times have you put him in danger, because of _your_ past catching up to you?  All the wrong choices you’ve made in your murderous career, all the people who died by your hands, all the people who died by _collateral damage_ , and still you’ve _never_ learned?

It’s been a risk, choosing to _live,_ because you’re a live bomb waiting to explode, and it’s a selfish choice, this need to have him in your immediate vicinity, in your _life,_ because of all the people in the world, he’s the one who chooses to die by _saving you_.

He’s the only one to have ever proven that you don’t have to die alone.

It’s a gift far better than you deserve, a gift your conscience can’t allow you to selfishly take, and so you’ve tried your best, multiple times, to end everything in a positive note, with a gratitude you feel down to the marrow of your bones, knowing that you owe him everything—your life, your heart, your purpose, your _soul_ —and that this is the one unselfish thing you can give him.

Your goodbye.

Instead, he keeps coming for you, and you keep letting him follow you, because you’re secretly, helplessly, violently _happy_ that finally, someone’s not letting you walk away.

(One of these days you won’t be able to let him go.)

 

—

 

How many times have you put him in danger, because of _your_ hubris?  You’ve put too much faith in your own abilities, in your seemingly noble goals, that you’ve been blinded to the fact that you’re just as flawed and fallible as every other human being.

Your Machine is imperfect because it’s a reflection of you.  It hurts to live everyday with a reminder of your own mistakes, of everything you’ve lost because of your own damn pride—the only man who ever offered real friendship, the only woman who ever gave you real happiness, the only woman who could have given _him_ real happiness—and consequently, you’ve not only lost _your_ future.  

You destroyed _his._

Your Machine reminds you of every sin you deserve to be punished in Hell for, and yet here you are, being given a second chance to have Heaven on earth, and just like every single time you’ve chosen to open your heart, you risk destroying the only thing you’ve ever wanted to protect.

The one you love.

Instead, he keeps pushing at your walls, chipping them away with smiles and banter and tea and _gratitude_ , until one day, you might end up admitting that your doors have always been open for him—if only he chooses to walk inside.

(He’s the only one whom you’ve ever given the passcode to your heart.)

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is also posted [here](http://bliphany.tumblr.com/post/162671106834/reasons-to-not-kiss-him-3-hes-too-good-at) on Tumblr.


	4. Chapter 4

 

**_4\. you know what they say about monsters. you know what happens to the boys who love them. are you going to do that to him?_ **

* * *

 

 

****__****__****__

* * *

 

 

The first kill is always the hardest.  You’re cracked open, a piece of your soul falls apart, and you shatter.  The first time you looked into a mirror and saw soulless eyes staring back at you, you wondered what kind of monster you have become.  

You wonder, sometimes, if you’re just like her.  If, by association, you turn others into monsters too, just like she did with you.

You look at him now, his eyes as clear as a window, his vision far more encompassing than his Machine as he sees depths of the human heart that no ASI can ever hope to replicate, and you suddenly can’t bear seeing the light in those eyes gradually dimming with every loss of life.

It’s unimaginable.  More than that, it’s _unacceptable._

The first time he holds a gun, wanting to learn how to use it (to maim, to capture, to _kill_ ), you close your fingers over it, because if anyone’s hand is to be bloodied, it will be _yours._

(You will never tarnish _his._ )

He’s been resilient, so far.  His moral compass is extraordinary: unshakeable, incorruptible.  But as he spends more and more time with you, his black and white morality starts to fade into grey as he begins to live life in the shadows (with you, _because of you_ ).  He’s slowly being pushed to the brink of his previously non-negotiable ethics, and one of these days, he will inevitably fall over the edge.

One of these days, you’re going to make him a murderer. 

And you will rather face all the monsters of this world yourself—alone, if you have to—than ever let him become one.

 

—

 

The first loss is always the hardest.  It feels like a huge chunk of your soul has exploded along with the ferry when you’ve lost the one person in the world who has ever stuck with you the longest. 

It’s not the first time you lost someone you loved—helplessly watching memories (of cars, of birds, of _you_ ) slowly fade away is as much of a death as a loss of life—but it’s the first time the loss happened _because of you._

It awakens you to the dreadful realisation that you’re a danger to others just by _existing_ , because you’ve created a monster so powerful that there’s suddenly a clamour from _everyone_ to control it, and it’s not even her fault, because she’s _your_ creation.

Monsters can only breed monsters, after all.  And all this time, the darkness you’ve always feared has been inside you all along.

The first time he almost dies, he tells you to stay away, and it _wrecks_ you with how utterly _wrong_ it is, because that’s _your_ role: to walk away from the people you endanger.

(You deserve a life alone.  _He_ doesn’t.)

He’s been resilient, so far.  More than his physical prowess and unmatched skill, it’s his tenacity that makes him superhuman: he defies death with his strong will to fight, to _protect._ But as he spends more and more time with you, his strength is slowly being drained with every wound, every torture, every bullet he endures (for you, _because of you_ ), and one of these days when he’s beaten down, he won’t be able to stand up, anymore.  

One of these days, you’re going to kill him.  

And what frightens you the most is not what you _can_ do, but what you can _allow_ to happen.

You will rather let the world burn than lose him.

That’s how monstrous you are.

 

****

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is also posted [here](http://bliphany.tumblr.com/post/163447931364/reasons-to-not-kiss-him-4-you-know-what-they-say) on Tumblr.


End file.
